How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
