found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
