I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
