i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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