I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
