I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
