So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
