I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
