i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
