Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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