census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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