so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
