I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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