someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
