Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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