i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
