girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
