period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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