Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
