new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
