what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
