I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
