I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
