I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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