haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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