How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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