You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
