nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
