All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
