it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
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She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
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If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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