allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
