Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
