I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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