my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
