meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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