I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
