the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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