What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
