Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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