first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
