I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She told me I should be a condom model.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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