dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
