Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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