when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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