fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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