Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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