I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
