the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
