how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
