woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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