One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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