i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
