When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
